1 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,200 It was now the middle of May 2 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:35,760 and although everything appeared to be wonderful at Diddly Squat Farm, 3 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:40,720 my dream of buying a pub and getting it open by the August Bank Holiday 4 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,680 was slipping away. 5 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:50,840 My office looked like the war room from Winston Churchill's bunker. 6 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,640 There's the Coach and Horses. 7 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,440 But instead of Nazi tank divisions, 8 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:59,160 my walls were plastered with photographs of local hostelries 9 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,880 that were up for sale. 10 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:06,120 There's something wrong with all of them. 11 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,600 Erm, oh yeah, there's The Quiet Woman. Not really a pub. 12 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:13,640 It's not really what I want. That! The Boxing Hare, is slightly too small. 13 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,400 Merrymouth, slightly too big. Where else are we? 14 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,960 Duke at Clifton's got access problems 15 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:24,440 and another pub that isn't quite as good as The Windmill. 16 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:29,560 But would I spend what is a very considerable amount of money 17 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,720 on a dogging site? 18 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,397 I'll say, "Come on, families. Come and enjoy this farm-fresh food. 19 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:39,920 Excuse that couple in the Austin Maestro there." 20 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,400 It's so annoying. 21 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,040 If we could get West Oxfordshire District Council 22 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:49,320 to lose the picnic site, declassify it, 23 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,320 that's perfect. 24 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,880 But it's West Oxfordshire District Council. 25 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:01,560 Reluctantly, I asked Charlie to find more options... 26 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,840 And spent the next couple of days doing farmering jobs. 27 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:19,040 ♪ Sick at heart and lonely ♪ 28 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,440 ♪ Deep in dark despair ♪ 29 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,160 ♪ Thinking one thought only ♪ 30 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,600 ♪ "Where is she? Tell me, where?" ♪ 31 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,600 What you're saying is because the bonnet is electric 32 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,077 -and the handbrake is electric... -Yeah. 33 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,400 -There has to be a secondary battery? -Yes. 34 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,200 -And that's what went wrong? -That's what went wrong. 35 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,120 Most of the chores were pretty routine... 36 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,680 But, at this time of year, 37 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:53,680 there's always one I really look forward to. 38 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,760 Today is the day! 39 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,480 Cows, you're going out. 40 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,400 It's been winter, winter, winter, winter, winter, 41 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,280 winter, winter, summer. 42 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,680 -I know, amazing. -No spring. 43 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:09,840 -Missed spring. -Summer! 44 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:11,560 -In you go. -Get in. 45 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:12,800 Get on. 46 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,240 Today is Freedom Day! 47 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,880 God, it's just... Look how beautiful everything looks. 48 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,720 I know. It's perfect. Just makes me happy to live in England. 49 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,920 Look at that. Look at this. 50 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,160 Now, what's interesting is... 51 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:32,600 Kaleb was saying if we don't get them out there like now, these cows, 52 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,440 this grass will be too long for them, 53 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,880 which I can't understand at all. 54 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,600 I don't know how grass could be too long. 55 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:42,560 G-Dog! 56 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,840 Always nice to see the G-Dog out and about. 57 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:48,840 -Right, are we ready? -I sure am. 58 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:51,720 Right, cows. 59 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,560 Come on, be excited. It makes me happy when you're excited. 60 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,880 -Hey-up! -You're out, you're out. Look at that! 61 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:03,000 Beautiful. 62 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,200 Oh, that sound! 63 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,120 Listen, listen. 64 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,760 Well, they may not have danced and run around, 65 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,920 but that's quite satisfying. 66 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,320 Back at the yard... 67 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:21,800 Straight. Straight. 68 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:23,440 Whoa! 69 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,720 I asked Kaleb to explain the grass issue. 70 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,640 'Cause I still don't understand why they won't eat long grass. 71 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:33,120 No, it's basically the sheep like it like this long. 72 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:34,957 Cows like it like this so they can get their tongue round it 73 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,037 and pull it out and get the most nutrition out of it. 74 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,280 If it gets to here, the plant nutrition is down here. 75 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,600 The top is bulking to get to seed, and there's no nutrition in that really. 76 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,680 And the cow knows, if that makes sense. 77 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,520 Well, that is, honestly, they're properly into it. 78 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,280 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 79 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,640 With the last of the cows freed... 80 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,360 And there they are! 81 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,760 We moved on to releasing the goats... 82 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,840 Who first needed a bit of a lecture. 83 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:14,440 Now, what we're going to do, instead of using an electric fence to keep you in, 84 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,000 we're going to fit each of you with an electrical collar. 85 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:22,560 And then, if you go near the end of the boundary I've prescribed, 86 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,560 you'll receive an audible warning 87 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,440 that you are approaching the boundary. 88 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,640 And if you continue to persist with your escape attempt, 89 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,280 you will receive an electric shock. 90 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:37,080 So I suggest when you get your audible warning, you turn around 91 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:40,880 and head back into the area that I have prescribed. 92 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,680 Are you with me? 93 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:46,600 That went well. 94 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:52,320 Whoa! 95 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,000 Now, stand still. 96 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,120 -Have you managed to get one on? -Yep. 97 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,680 Don't eat my shirt. Don't eat my shirt. 98 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:06,400 With the collars fitted, we headed off to the goat field 99 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,520 and on the way, I gave Lisa a TED talk 100 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,800 about how they worked. 101 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,040 -They detect a satellite. -Yeah? 102 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,040 And then I tell the satellite where their field is. 103 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,520 And if they stray outside those boundaries, they get an... 104 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:22,880 Oh, shit. 105 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,280 That's the tree that's been planted. 106 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,400 Right where I need to go. 107 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,320 Fucking hell. 108 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,800 -What tree? -You know Jill? 109 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,040 Oh, yes. 110 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,920 Okay, just to explain. There's one of our neighbours who... 111 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,400 Two lovely flat-coat labs. 112 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:44,200 She's lovely. She had two lovely labradors and was in a mobility scooter. 113 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:47,160 And she came up and down the footpath every day... 114 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,477 I don't know, four times a day. 115 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,400 One of her dogs died and she said, "Would it be okay if I buried it in 116 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,960 on your farm, 'cause it loved it there?" 117 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,600 And I said yes. And she wanted to plant a tree, which she has done... 118 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,960 exactly in... 119 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:02,120 Oh, fuck. 120 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,560 That's in a really bad... Oh, the goats are going to eat the tree. 121 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,520 They're going to eat the tree. 122 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,640 Jesus, Jeremy. 123 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:15,720 Bollocks. 124 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,800 They teach you maths and science and algebra at school. 125 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,200 They don't teach you what to do 126 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,560 when somebody has buried their dog on your farm, 127 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:30,800 and you need to move the dog's gravestone. 128 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:33,840 Hmm... 129 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,120 Right now, though, I needed all my brain power 130 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,480 to make the goat collars work. 131 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,160 Because, I had to download an app 132 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,960 that allowed the solar-powered collars to speak to the satellite. 133 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:53,720 And then, draw up the lines of their invisible perimeter fence. 134 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,040 We're gonna put the satellite line across there. 135 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,000 -Yeah? -Yeah. 136 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,320 And, just as I finished battling through all that, 137 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,640 Lizzie the goat lady arrived. 138 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:03,877 -Hi, Lizzie. -Hi, Lizzie. 139 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,757 -Hi, how are you? -Have you heard of these fences? 140 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,480 I've heard of them. I've not actually been able to use them before. 141 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,357 So it will be really interesting to see how it goes. 142 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,120 -Do you not use them? -No, no. 143 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,637 We need a guinea pig, which is what you guys are doing. 144 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,080 Yes, exactly. I mean, I am interested in... 145 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,440 'cause I don't believe in apps, and I don't believe in satellites. 146 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,720 Yeah. We'll soon find out what it does, I guess. 147 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:22,680 Yeah. 148 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,197 You know what they're like, they're so inquisitive. 149 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:25,997 -Curious, yeah. -They don't stay still for long. 150 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,040 -Here we go, look. -There you go. 151 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,600 That must be beeping now. Can you hear it? 152 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:31,800 There you go. 153 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,520 That sound is gonna drive me nuts. 154 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:40,240 It's like a really creepy ice-cream machine with a clown driving it. 155 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,560 -Well, hang on, hang on. -He hasn't been shocked. 156 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:45,997 -He has! -There we go. He has. 157 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,397 -He's come back. -Didn't like it. 158 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,440 No way! Wow. 159 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,560 With the goats now safely hemmed in by Elon Musk 160 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,480 and the cows dining on fresh, sweet grass, 161 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,680 I felt happy about our morning's work. 162 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,080 But the mood then soured... 163 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,720 Because I received a call from the Merchant of Doom, 164 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:17,120 saying he needed an urgent meeting. 165 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,680 We have some pretty significant news. 166 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,200 Here we go. 167 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,440 The Windmill. 168 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,000 You know, after we met the other day, Neil and I had a chat. So Neil just... 169 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,480 This is Neil Warner, the planning advisor that we have. 170 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:34,280 Neil then phoned West Oxfordshire District Council. 171 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,600 They said we could get rid of that agreement 172 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,000 that allows people to come and picnic there. 173 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,760 -West Oxfordshire District Council... -Yeah. 174 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,557 Have said we can get rid of the picnic site? 175 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,400 Have said they're happy to get rid of the agreement, yeah. 176 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:53,917 -It's... I know. -Do they know it's me? 177 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,800 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They said... 178 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:56,800 In fact, they were quite funny. 179 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,840 They said, "We don't wanna meet him. What do you want?" 180 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,197 What? Just in a phone call, they just went, "We'll get rid of it"? 181 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:03,557 They are drafting the paperwork. 182 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:04,440 What? 183 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,120 I know. It's amazing, isn't it? 184 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,160 What... I'm sorry. 185 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:11,480 We've had four years of them saying no to everything. 186 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,477 And now we ask for something that's actually quite contentious, 187 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:15,960 and they go, "Yeah, that's fine." 188 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,840 Er... I mean... 189 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,677 I mean, I know it's a dogging site and they don't want... 190 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,360 Well, it's quite renowned, isn't it, even within West Oxfordshire. 191 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,240 So they're very happy to... 192 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,960 Fucking hell. 193 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,080 -So we can go ahead and buy that now. -Yeah. 194 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,437 -Charlie, this is fantastic news. -I know, I know. 195 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:32,840 It is really positive. 196 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,000 Now I think... 197 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,640 You know I was concerned that you were buying this, 198 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,357 The Windmill, the pub. There's lots of... 199 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,280 We'd have had to have put in public lavatories. 200 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,957 -Public lavatories. -With holes drilled 201 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,920 already in the cubicles for the gentlemen. 202 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,440 I wouldn't have advised that. 203 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:48,840 Oh, man. 204 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:53,000 I said to Lisa, when we were letting the cows out this morning, I said, 205 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,680 "I just know today's going to be a good day." 206 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,880 But at no point did I think it would be this good. 207 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:00,600 It's good. I mean... 208 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,520 That is... Honestly, I'm just... I'm staggered. 209 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:12,000 Leaving Charlie to get on with the pub paperwork, 210 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,200 I turned my attention back to the soil, 211 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,960 because, with my new Lambo now running smoothly, 212 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:25,520 I could have yet another crack at my most jinxed crop. 213 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,520 So now, for the third time, 214 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:32,360 I'm going to attempt to drill this infernal GS4, 215 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,240 which, as I've mentioned in the past, is, erm... 216 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,400 well, it can be used to feed sheeps and cows 217 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,640 but is mainly used 218 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,360 to put nitrogen into the soil. 219 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:50,240 At the GS4 field, I met up with the farm manager, 220 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:56,400 so that we... Well, he could activate the mended sat nav. 221 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,440 -That is your button to engage your GPS. -Yeah. 222 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:05,240 Okay? But for now, we're gonna go into this little one here. 223 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,960 -Client's name? Clarkson's Farm. -Me! 224 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,760 -I've made you a little bit of a... -Yes! Diddly Squat! 225 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:11,277 Field name: Taylor's. That's wrong. 226 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,600 Yeah, it is wrong. So click it. 227 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,320 I have to tell it what field I'm in? 228 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,357 -Yes. -Does it know what shape this field is? 229 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,237 Not at the moment, 'cause we haven't done the outside, we haven't drilled it once. 230 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,037 -But then it'll learn? -Yeah, it'll learn. 231 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,757 So if we come back next year and drill it again, it'll go, "Oh, I know where I am"? 232 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:25,640 -Yeah. -Wooh! 233 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,480 Yeah. So, what we've gotta do is drop your drill down. 234 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:33,480 Right, yeah. 235 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,040 -So, this is now self-steering? -Yeah. 236 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,560 Just drive forward. Hit the one, yeah. 237 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,680 And when that button goes white, press it. 238 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:41,960 Any minute... Now. 239 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,920 And then hit that. Hit that! Hit that! 240 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,160 Oh! Why has it suddenly roared off? Why are we going a million? 241 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,240 -Why is it going so fast? -What have you done? 242 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,720 Hit... Hit that little red button. 243 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:56,757 -What red button? -Don't touch the steering wheel! 244 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,520 What fucking button? 245 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:01,760 Oh, fuck! 246 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,960 -Why is it going at 150 mph? -I don't know! 247 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,400 Stop the tractor! 248 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,040 What the fuck? 249 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,920 What the fuck was that all about? It was terrifying! 250 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,600 I was scared as well 'cause I'm in your cab! 251 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,640 This is why... You know these people who buy Teslas 252 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,520 and then drive down the motorway watching a movie? 253 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,557 -And then they wonder why they crash. -They crash! 254 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,480 Modern technology doesn't work. 255 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:34,880 I then realised that actually it was me that didn't work 256 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:39,360 because I still had the cruise control set at 31 mph 257 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,560 from the road journey up here. 258 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,280 Yes, go to twelve. 259 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,800 Twelve. Shall we just pretend that didn't happen 260 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,080 -and go back over there and do it again? -Yeah. 261 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,800 Steering engage. 262 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,040 And now it'll steer for you. 263 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,357 -I'm not going in a straight line, look. -Yeah, look, it's steering you. 264 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,880 -Look, it's doing it. -The steering wheel isn't moving. 265 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,841 No, the steering wheel don't move but it controls it down on the axle. 266 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:04,960 What? 267 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,920 So the steering wheel is no longer connected? 268 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,440 Yeah, it is. It just steers it down on the axle down there. 269 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,200 Bloody hell, that's clever. 270 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,480 Three, two, one: lift it up. 271 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,080 There we go. Well done. Turn yourself around, 272 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,720 until your tractor is lined with that line there. 273 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,920 Okay. Drop your drill down. 274 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,360 Right, drive forwards. Don't touch the steering wheel at all. 275 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:33,800 Gently drive forward. 276 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,080 And when that button goes white, press it. 277 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,600 Any minute... Now. 278 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:38,800 Watch the steering wheel. 279 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,080 Oh my God, look, it's gone on the next line. 280 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,720 And it'll match up dead straight without even using the "earywigs", 281 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:45,920 as you call them. 282 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:53,080 So I can literally just sit here like this and I look at that. 283 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:54,917 Yeah, as long as you remember that my tractor's just there. 284 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,880 -Don't hit it. -Yeah. 285 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:03,520 Charlie arrived just as Kaleb decided I was ready to fly solo. 286 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:04,920 Hello, friend. 287 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,880 System engaged. 288 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,760 There you go, look, it's steering it. 289 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,120 Right, I think I've got the hang of this. 290 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,680 No more comedy errors at Diddly Squat. 291 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,200 You'll have to watch Countryfile now if you want a laugh. 292 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,560 Ha-haa! 293 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,240 I feel really proud. It's a proud moment, isn't it? 294 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,920 Well, it will if it grows. 295 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:34,800 For the answer to that, we'd have to wait a few more weeks. 296 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,720 So I turned my attention to a problem that needed sorting out 297 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,800 in the next few days. 298 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,120 As it now seemed likely I'd get the pub, 299 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,200 I needed to increase my meat supply which meant... 300 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,240 buying a bull. 301 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,000 -And now we're seeing... -Now we're seeing Ben Wilson. 302 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:59,160 And on that front, I'd had rather a good idea. 303 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,560 I want to take our pedigree Shorthorn cows 304 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,600 and mate them with a bigger bull, 305 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,400 so that we get a bigger animal and therefore more meat 306 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,040 to sell in the restaurant. 307 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,520 That's my thinking. 308 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,120 -Yeah. -Here's the thing. 309 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,560 -We've got a very expensive herd. -Yeah. 310 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,440 They are Mercedes-Benz of cows, are they not? 311 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,517 -They're very nice. Very good. -Okay, they're lovely. 312 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:28,400 But, I couldn't tell the difference between pedigree beef... 313 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,280 -Yeah. -And not-pedigree beef. 314 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,040 Yeah... I agree with that. 315 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,680 What we've gotta do is try and produce something that... 316 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:39,480 I want good, homegrown, local meat. 317 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:43,080 But it doesn't necessarily have to come from a Mercedes cow. 318 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,400 I'm thinking, like a Kia cow. 319 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:47,880 Kia cows are good. 320 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,400 Kias are good cars. I mean, there's nothing wrong with them. 321 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,880 As we arrived at the bull farm, I asked a question 322 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,920 that I probably should have thought of earlier. 323 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,760 Can I just ask, how much is a bull? 324 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,080 Here? Four or five thousand pounds. 325 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,440 -No! -Yeah. 326 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,400 You've come to the most expens... You want to create a Kia cow. 327 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:14,160 Well, you've come to the Bentley garage to get one. 328 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,640 So what we're doing is we're crossing a Bentley with a Mercedes. 329 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,120 To get a Kia. 330 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,680 The bull farmer, Oliver Reed, 331 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,080 showed us the young bulls that were for sale. 332 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,160 These are anything between 18-month and 2-year-old. 333 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,197 -These are now ready? -These are ready for... 334 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,320 -So we'd have one of these? -Yeah. 335 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,120 But, before we got down to business, 336 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:42,400 he showed me what my purchase would look like 337 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,240 when fully grown. 338 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,920 Holy shit! Jesus! 339 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:53,040 That... is a unit. 340 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,280 He's just over 1,200 kilos. 341 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,760 So he's about one ton, 342 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:02,000 and then he's got a quarter of a ton of nut sack. 343 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,640 -And is he quite docile? -Ah, yeah. 344 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:06,640 He's quiet. 345 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,840 I'm not sure I'd say, "Who are you looking at?" to him. 346 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,240 -Do you wanna lead him round? -Do you want to walk him? 347 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,000 Okay. 348 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,280 But, I mean, the thing is, he weighs a ton and a half. 349 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,440 It's like pulling an oil tanker. 350 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:27,160 Don't snort like that. Yeah, I hate the Spanish as well, don't worry. 351 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,440 I've never been to a bull fight. How does that sound? 352 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,680 God strewth, you're big. 353 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,080 Ah! You're so big. 354 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,360 Wow. 355 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,520 It's like being in the presence of greatness. 356 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,880 Even you're standing slightly gobsmacked, aren't you? 357 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:46,840 I'm... 358 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:50,560 I mean, standing in front of him, he's absolutely enormous. 359 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,400 And also magnificent. 360 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:53,840 He's... Yeah. 361 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,760 Right, take him back to his parking space. 362 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:03,320 We then went back to the youngsters to choose one to buy. 363 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,000 Are you wanting one for breeding females or one for breeding beef? 364 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,480 -Beef. -Beefs. 365 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,280 -Which one? That one? -Endgame. 366 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,600 -Endgame? -Yeah. 367 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,200 He's not as heavy but he's wider. 368 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,437 He's the same right through. 369 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:17,640 So he's the widest one? 370 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,840 And he's younger. He's one of the youngest ones in the pen as well, so. 371 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,600 Oh, he's great. How much is Endgame? 372 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,600 Six and a half. 373 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,320 -You said that it wouldn't be that much. -I did say it wouldn't be that much. 374 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,400 What number did you say? 375 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,520 I said about 30% less than that. 376 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:38,800 Oh. 377 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,240 This is good. We're trying to get money out of a Scotsman. 378 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,440 We're taking the smallest one... Maybe. 379 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,040 Er, the better one, in my opinion. 380 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,120 It would be the best thing on the farm. 381 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,440 Better even than my new tractor. 382 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,320 -What kind's your new tractor? -A Lambo. 383 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:55,520 Oh. 384 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:57,320 You wanna go for Fendts. 385 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,360 Well, Kaleb's got a Fendt. He doesn't like it. 386 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:00,560 Oh. 387 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,320 Do you know Kaleb was laughing at your fencing? 388 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,597 -He was what? -The fencing you put up for your pigs. 389 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:07,480 Yeah. 390 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,600 He put gates in across the road there. 391 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,640 He put the posts in upside down. 392 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,200 I'm sorry, just say that again, only much louder. 393 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:19,840 He put gates in across the road, but he put the post in upside down. 394 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:21,920 Oh... 395 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,360 -Kaleb Cooper came to do a job. -Yeah. 396 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:30,120 And this little farmer put the posts in upside down. 397 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:35,200 The great thing is we all know that. 398 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,160 -And I'm gonna keep that in my pocket. -Yeah? 399 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,040 And one day, when he's least expecting it, 400 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,840 I'm gonna bring it out of my pocket. 401 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:50,120 Okay, er, what I don't want is to pay for any errors by other people. 402 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:51,797 No, well, no, I'm gonna lean over this fence 403 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,200 and you two... 'cause I'm not very good at this. 404 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,520 -I get in a muddle when I'm negotiating. -We're... 405 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,240 Ugh! 406 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,240 So... sort of think... five? 407 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:09,240 I know that 6,000, 6,500 pounds is a ridiculously large amount of money 408 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:10,280 for a brontosaurus. 409 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,520 But, he will be a conveyor belt. 410 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,880 He will produce burgers and steaks 411 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,400 and joints of beef, 412 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,600 you know, for years. 413 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,840 Minimum's five and a half, six, I'd say. 414 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,360 That's a lot of beef you've gotta sell. 415 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,000 Five? 416 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,000 I tell you what I'll do. I'll do him for five and a half, 417 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,360 if I can get some space penises and bee juice when I deliver him. 418 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,640 I will. You're done. 419 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,360 We'd got five in it but you... 420 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,440 Oh, so, have I come to soon? 421 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,000 Shit, I've bollocksed the negotiation. I've just shook on... 422 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,037 -Were you still negotiating? -I was still going. 423 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,720 Oh, it wasn't working anyway. 424 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,240 -But you're delivering? -Yeah. 425 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,000 -You'll deliver him? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 426 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,200 You're coming to Diddly Squat, Endgame. 427 00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:04,840 I am so excited. 428 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,000 Good. 429 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,320 Having bought an enormous animal, 430 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:15,000 I went back to the farm to see one of our smallest. 431 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:22,960 And explained to Lisa my plan for improving the quality of his life. 432 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,400 I've had to put Richard Ham 433 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,560 in with the girls 'cause he was being bullied something rotten with the boys. 434 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,960 -So I put him with the girls. -Yeah. 435 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,040 They do seem to be nicer to him. 436 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:35,637 Well, aren't they his sisters and cousins? 437 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,077 -Aren't they gonna be very nice to him? -Some of them are, yeah. 438 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,000 -He is a very, very sweet pig! -He's so dinky! 439 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:44,760 Richard Ham? Richard Ham? 440 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,440 This is called targeted pig feeding. Ready? 441 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:48,520 No, he can... Ooh. 442 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,040 No, no. Watch, watch. Come on, Richard Ham. 443 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,600 No, he's missed every one. It's behind you. 444 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,440 Oh, he has, every single one. 445 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,080 He nearly got one. 446 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,997 There was one right under him. No, he's just trodden on it. 447 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,680 Oh, Richard Ham! 448 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,240 Look, he hasn't had one single morsel! 449 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,400 Yes! I think he got one! 450 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,037 -Oh no! And she's attacking him. -Oh no, they're bullying him. 451 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,720 Oh, they are mean too. Food is food, huh? 452 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,000 Targeted feeding is quite difficult. 453 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:26,160 Determined not to be defeated, 454 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,800 I returned the next day... 455 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,240 I'm going to see Richard. 456 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:34,720 Having come up with a more ambitious solution. 457 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,400 Right. Richard Ham. 458 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,440 Look what I have brought you. The government... 459 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:49,200 The British government allows you to eat this, Richard Ham. Here. 460 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,040 Richard Ham? 461 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,240 Richard Ham! 462 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:58,400 Come on. You're never gonna get bigger if you don't eat food. 463 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,320 What about a juicy carrot? 464 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,000 What do you think of this? Richard? 465 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,640 I build him a pen, 466 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:21,640 where he's protected from his bigger, bullying sisters and cousins, 467 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,960 and it's full of tasty morsels, and he escapes. 468 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:26,760 Richard? 469 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,317 Richard, look, a carrot. I'm gonna throw it to you. 470 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,640 There you are. 471 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,560 And your sisters have eaten it. 472 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,320 Richard! 473 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:37,800 Would you like a potato? 474 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,440 Come on, Richard, please. 475 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:46,640 You're even more annoying than your namesake. 476 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:56,120 Operation Feed Richard Ham would clearly need more thought, 477 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,280 but that would have to wait. 478 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:08,960 Because the next morning, 479 00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:13,360 we all had to assemble for the arrival of my new bull. 480 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,520 -Ready? Lisa? -Oh! 481 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,000 You've got a black beauty there. 482 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,840 -Here he comes. -Shh-shh. 483 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,080 Awesome, isn't he? 484 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,480 Aw! Look! He's quite small. 485 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:32,160 -He is a baby. -He's a baby? 486 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,640 -I didn't know. What's his name? -Endgame! 487 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,400 Er, what are we gonna call him for short? 488 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,040 Endgame! 489 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:40,760 Hello, Endgame! 490 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:44,640 I mean, it's sort of... Front on, he just looks amazing, doesn't he? 491 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:53,440 On the farm front, everything was ticking along fairly well. 492 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,720 Endgame would have a few settling-in days in the shed 493 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:02,120 before we released him into the cow field. 494 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,280 And even though the weather had been a nightmare, 495 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,520 we had managed to plant all the crops. 496 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:16,840 And there was another Diddly Squat project bubbling along nicely. 497 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,800 Lisa's new range of perfumes and scents. 498 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,280 That is nice. That really suits you. 499 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,120 -Oh! I like that! Be careful of that. -Is it for girls or men? 500 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:30,040 That, er, it's ambidextrous. 501 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:31,840 -What? -Ambidextrous. 502 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,040 -You mean unisex? -You can't use that word anymore. 503 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,600 You can. Ambidextrous means left or right-handed. 504 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:40,360 So ambidextrous says it's all manner of things. 505 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,280 Unisex means you can identify 506 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,477 as whatever the bloody hell you like when you wear it. 507 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:45,717 -I don't... -You can't have... 508 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,120 Ambidextrous doesn't mean that. 509 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,360 You may as well write "cauliflower" on it. 510 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,560 And also, can I just ask, 511 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:53,917 how many Diddly Squat ingredients have you got in here? 512 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,360 -Oh, loads. -No, come on, be honest. How many? 513 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:57,520 Loads, look. 514 00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,880 All of these here. Right... 515 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,400 -Erm, vanilla: we don't do. -No. 516 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,280 Erm, bergamot: we don't do either. Orange oil is sweet. 517 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,157 -We don't do. -These are the ones we don't do. 518 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,600 -Everything else is really good. -No, you don't... Lisa... 519 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:14,640 The following day, 520 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,120 I was supposed to help Kaleb send another batch of pigs 521 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,400 off to the abattoir... 522 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:20,520 -Come on, boss man. -Go on, pig. 523 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:22,200 -Come on, piggie. -Go on. 524 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:26,360 But instead, Lisa had me back on perfume duty. 525 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:28,280 Well, I don't know where's the nozzle. 526 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,520 This time, testing out a brand-new prototype 527 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,680 she'd called "Wet". 528 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,197 -Hold on. -It's beautiful once you put it on. 529 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:37,600 -Ogh... -It's the first spray. 530 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,917 -It's horrible. -It's not, it's just the first spray. 531 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,680 But it shouldn't be like that. 532 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,237 -Well, what's gone wrong? -I don't know. 533 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,120 That smells exactly the same as the tank in my Range Rover. 534 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,480 -AdBlue or whatever it is. -Well, steady on. 535 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,600 -That's not right. -All right, K? 536 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:53,677 -Morning. -Hey, have you managed to load those two? 537 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:55,680 Is the one that's not lame gone? 538 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,400 Yeah, so the two boys have gone, the one that was lame. 539 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,080 And then the ten girls. 540 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,840 -Aw, sweethearts. -So ten girls. 541 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,120 -They all went. -Two boys. 542 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:04,040 -Yeah. -Brilliant. 543 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,200 Erm, so there's 13 in total. 544 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,520 I found a pig up at the top in the quarry. 545 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,040 -You didn't take my pig? -Hey? 546 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,640 That's Pigmilly. No! That's my pet pig. You didn't take Pigmilly? 547 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,117 I mean, you said there was Pigmilly. I thought Pigmilly was still down there. 548 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:18,680 Oh, she was really sweet. 549 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:20,720 Well, she's on the trailer now. 550 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:26,000 To be honest, we are running a farm here, not a petting zoo. 551 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,720 I just wanted her to eat, and the others wouldn't let her eat. 552 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,597 Oh, she was fat by the time she went, don't worry. 553 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:32,800 -It's okay. -You should've said. 554 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,077 I'm on Kaleb's side on this one, I'm sorry. 555 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:36,957 That's why I didn't say anything because you would have just taken her to market. 556 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,400 Dogs, be quiet! 557 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,240 -Oh, that's my horn. -What horn? 558 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,280 All my deer horns you asked for. I've sourced them. 559 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:46,960 -What...? Deer horns? -Yes! 560 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:50,960 I've not asked for any deer horns. 561 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:56,160 Whether I had or not, moments later, there they were. 562 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,560 -I didn't ask for deer horns. -You... 563 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:00,957 We were talking about things we can use from the farm. 564 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,360 You said you only want things from the farm in the shop. 565 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:04,840 Fallow deer, from the farm. 566 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,760 -And that comes from the farm? -Well, no, this one doesn't. But... 567 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,440 Not that particular fallow deer! But aren't they beautiful? 568 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:15,120 Does it come from within 16 miles? 569 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:18,880 Oh, it's been very close to 16 miles. 570 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:21,560 In its day. Aren't they gorgeous? And look. 571 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,077 It looks like a fucking moose horn. 572 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,240 -No, it's fallow deer. -Yeah, that is a caribou. 573 00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:27,360 And this... 574 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:29,040 -Look. -It's sixteen miles in Canada! 575 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,200 They're treats. 576 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,360 -That's rather beautiful. -Right, so we've got antlers, 577 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,517 and you've got to go back to the drawing board slightly on your "Wet", I think. 578 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,480 -On the "Wet", yeah. -Oh, does it smell bad? 579 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,440 -It really smells of ethanol. -Ethanol. But it settles down. 580 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,037 Once you have it on it settles down. 581 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:44,837 Yeah, but nobody's... In a shop that people will go in... 582 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:46,280 -Oh, fuck. -Yeah, exactly. 583 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:48,840 Something's gone wrong with that. 584 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,480 Whilst I'd been buying bulls, 585 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:55,720 feeding Richard Ham and testing perfumes, 586 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:57,680 such is the life of a farmer, 587 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:00,800 the surveyors had been looking at the pub. 588 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:05,600 And soon, Charlie arrived with their report. 589 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:08,880 We've got the full survey back, 'cause that's only half of it. 590 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:09,840 What? 591 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:11,040 Yep... 592 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:13,560 It's quite... Yeah. 593 00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:16,320 It's quite full on. 594 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:18,520 How close are we now, do you think, to buying it? 595 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:21,280 Er, hopefully we're gonna exchange at the end of the week. 596 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,640 -Hours, then. 48 hours away. -Yeah. 597 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:28,240 And now, suddenly, I've got this "New Testament". 598 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,560 -Oh yes. -What have they suddenly found? 599 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:32,720 They've come up with the fact that, er, 600 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:33,920 the roof, 601 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:36,920 er, is a liability. 602 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:41,680 And they've put 150,000 pounds on that to repair it. 603 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:45,880 -150,000 pounds? -Yeah. 604 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,400 -We need to spend on the roof? -Well, I think we just... 605 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:51,720 Is your happiness hoover on? 606 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,520 There's an issue potentially with the loos, 607 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,360 depending on how many people we have, 608 00:30:57,560 --> 00:30:58,360 which they... 609 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,517 So what do they say we need to do with the lavatories? 610 00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:02,280 Reposition them, sort it out. 611 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,200 They think that's up to 100,000 pounds. 612 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:07,000 What? For a lavatory? 613 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,960 Is it gonna be like one of those Japanese lavatory 614 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:12,800 that wipes your bottom for you? 615 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:13,960 Nah. 616 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:18,040 -There's more. -Asbestos. Yeah, blah, blah, blah. 617 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:19,440 Fire hazard. 618 00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,160 Wood is a fire hazard? 619 00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:25,080 -Wood is a fire hazard. -No, I won't have that. 620 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:27,760 -The Equality Act? -There we go: Equality Act. 621 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,760 I knew you'd pick up on that one. 622 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:34,080 "There is currently no designated accessible parking spaces 623 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:35,880 at the property." 624 00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:38,800 Designated for whom? 625 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,400 Er, I think what they mean is for, er, disabled parking. 626 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,760 Oh, I thought "equality" was "race". 627 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,400 -Equality's everything, isn't it? -Oh, is it? I dunno. 628 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:48,400 Can we cut to the chase? 629 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:52,240 So they're saying 100,000 for the lavatories 630 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:53,640 and 150,000 for the roof. 631 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,200 All surveys are bollocks 632 00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,240 'cause they all say, "This house is falling down." 633 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,000 Well, this one didn't. This said, "This pub is falling down." 634 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:07,880 You're not funny. 635 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,040 But no, they do. 636 00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:11,640 They just say, "This building, whatever it is, is falling down 637 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:13,800 and will definitely fall down in ten minutes." 638 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:15,200 Because then, 639 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:17,637 if it does fall down in ten minutes, you can't sue them. 640 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:21,080 -This is just them covering their arses. -Well... 641 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:23,360 So this can really just be... put this in the bin. 642 00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:26,320 I'll just put it in a file. I've got a file. 643 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,360 Right. I must get on. Thanks, Charlie. 644 00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:35,760 Having dealt with that meeting with my usual attention to detail, 645 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:37,760 I checked in on Alan, 646 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:42,920 who was busy cladding my new barn in handsome Cotswold stone. 647 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,160 -All right? -Good to see you. 648 00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,637 -Doing all right? -Yeah, that's looking brilliant. 649 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:51,200 And I took the opportunity to ask him about something 650 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,560 that had always puzzled me. 651 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:57,280 So look, when you build a big wall, a long wall like this. 652 00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,200 The big stones, now they're called jumpers, hey? 653 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:01,360 Yes. 654 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:04,640 And I always say to you, "That's lovely jumpers." 655 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:06,600 But I don't know what they're for. 656 00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,760 What it is. Right. Say we're coming along here, 657 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,000 with twos, twos and twos. 658 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:15,400 Put a jumper in, then you can put a four and three the other side of it. 659 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:16,920 So three twos are sixes, 660 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:18,637 so you can use two threes to make six. 661 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,800 But if you put a jumper in you can change course. 662 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,480 If I'm running... Let's say I'm running a six inch 663 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:25,237 and I wanna put an eight inch the other side, 664 00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,597 you've gotta have something in the middle so you can break it. 665 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,400 And it bounces us up. So... 666 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,960 Yeah, you can't do that with a line, can we? 667 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:35,240 What? 668 00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,920 With the jumper function fully explained, 669 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,440 I asked Kaleb and Charlie to help me load Endgame 670 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:47,400 so he could go off to meet his new lady friends. 671 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:52,720 There. That is exactly right. 672 00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:54,840 Ready? 673 00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:57,037 For them to say, "That's exactly right." 674 00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:58,840 -Can you come back a bit? -Oh, fuck. 675 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:04,480 Okay, that's good. 676 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:08,800 Bull control. 677 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:11,720 Gandalf is coming back out. 678 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,397 Do you wanna hold the gate? Do you wanna hold that? 679 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,920 I assumed this would be easy. And it was... 680 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:18,880 not. 681 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:20,120 -Yeah? -Come on, Endgame. 682 00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:25,680 -Oh! -Whoa! 683 00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:29,040 -Oh! -Yeah... 684 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:35,560 -Oh! Fuck that! -No. 685 00:34:35,720 --> 00:34:36,720 No! 686 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:39,600 I'm now shitting myself. 687 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,560 I think... We need some... Yeah, that's... 688 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:45,440 I don't want him to do that again. 689 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,760 Because I've never been to a bull fight, and I never want to go to one. 690 00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:56,277 We'll have to let him calm down for a minute. 691 00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:58,960 Jesus Christ, that is a big animal. 692 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:01,040 Phew. 693 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:03,760 -Any of you want any danger pay? -It's okay! 694 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:06,920 'Cause when he starts doing that... 695 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,000 I see him... Wow. 696 00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,600 And he's only a baby. 697 00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:16,880 Ten minutes later, when he had indeed calmed down... 698 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:18,680 Good lad. Walk on. 699 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,800 We finally enticed him into the trailer. 700 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,520 -Go on, bud. -Go on, Endgame. Good boy! 701 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:31,880 And then, down at the field where the girl cows lived, 702 00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:36,800 with the film crew bravely positioned on the other side of the fence, 703 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:39,760 we prepared to let him out. 704 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:44,720 I think he's... What if he's gay? 705 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:46,480 Look, the fact is, he's young, isn't he? 706 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,120 -What if he's gay? -He might be. 707 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:49,997 -We'll love him just the same. -It's 2024. 708 00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:52,800 Yes, I know. But I won't 'cause he's cost us 6,000 pounds. 709 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:54,120 If he's gay... 710 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,520 -Do you get gay cows? -Er, yeah! 711 00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:00,440 We'll get 8,000 pounds worth of beef burger out of him. 712 00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:02,880 -Ready? -Yeah. 713 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:05,000 Here he comes. 714 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,040 Come on, Endgame. 715 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:09,840 He's gone the wrong way. 716 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:13,680 Endgame? 717 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:15,357 It's a pretty good reaction, isn't it? 718 00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,120 No, no, it's a hopeless reaction. 719 00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:19,397 Well, no, he's just calm and he's just having a look round. 720 00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:20,717 Seven ladies. They're not even bothered. 721 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:21,800 They're not. 722 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:24,360 Ooh, hello. 723 00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:26,320 Now he's realised the freedom! 724 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:28,440 -He's free. He likes that. -Look at the girls! 725 00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:31,240 -Hello, they've spotted him. -They've all turned round! 726 00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:33,080 They've spotted him. Oh, look, he's off. 727 00:36:33,240 --> 00:36:35,360 Ooh! Look at that! 728 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,240 What a noise. 729 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:43,240 Oh, they're chasing him! 730 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:46,240 Yep! 731 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,640 Nope! 732 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:50,600 Why are they chasing him? 733 00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:52,477 Come on here. Come on here! Come on here! 734 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:53,560 No, bollocks to that! 735 00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:59,520 Everybody knows sex is needed but they don't know how to have it. 736 00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:02,320 He is a bit like a teenager, though, isn't he? 737 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,640 -Because he is a young... -Well, they all are. 738 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:07,120 So they are running around like a debutantes' ball. 739 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:09,560 Come on, Endgame. 740 00:37:10,240 --> 00:37:11,680 Let's have a look at you in action. 741 00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,360 Oh no! It's the wrong way round! Wrong way round! 742 00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:18,800 Why did a cow mount the bull? 743 00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:20,480 Wrong way round again. Wrong. 744 00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:23,200 She might be on heat, look. She might be on heat. 745 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,120 But she's the one that's trying to mount him. 746 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:31,080 Is that "Hashtag MeToo" this? It is, isn't it, a bit? 747 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:33,360 What is "MeToo"? 748 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,040 -You know what that is. -I don't. 749 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:37,440 "Hashtag MeToo"? 750 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:40,640 Please tell me you've heard of that? 751 00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:44,160 -Is that a porn site or something? -No! 752 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,000 -No, it's kind of the opposite. -It's the exact opposite of that. 753 00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:50,200 I don't understand. There's no point me even talking 'cause... 754 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:53,720 Ooh! It's the wrong way again. 755 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:02,280 That night I didn't sleep. 756 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:05,160 I was worried about the pub. 757 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:09,520 So the next morning, before signing on the dotted line, 758 00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:12,360 I decided I should talk to various mates 759 00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:14,520 who'd bought pubs in the past 760 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:18,440 to make sure I wasn't making a big mistake. 761 00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:21,120 Morning. Is that you? 762 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:25,560 And I started with a chap who's been a dear friend for decades. 763 00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:28,200 So have you got any advice? 764 00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:31,240 People steal stuff from pubs. Every publican will tell you. 765 00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:35,000 They'll nick the salt-and-pepper pots. They'll nick knives and forks. 766 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:36,960 They might even nick plates. 767 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:38,720 They'll nick any art they can rip off 768 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:39,920 the walls. 769 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:42,880 Obviously drink driving's an issue. 770 00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:44,200 In the countryside. 771 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,357 In the countryside. And that's why you want it kind of... 772 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:48,840 In some central hub somewhere, 773 00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,277 erm, where there are just a mass of people so they can walk home, 774 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:52,720 or they can easily get taxis home. 775 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,400 No, it's nowhere near any building of any sort. 776 00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:58,920 The nearest village is five miles away. 777 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,080 Right. Maybe, if you're lucky, 778 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,720 maybe they'll relax the drink-driving laws. 779 00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,920 You look at it, and it looks like you're making fifty grand a week, 780 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,760 and then it transpires you're losing ten grand a week. 781 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:11,077 And then the staffing issue. 782 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:14,360 Well, you know, staffing, it's so tricky nowadays 783 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:16,397 'cause people just don't wanna work those kinds of hours, it's hard work. 784 00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,600 Normally they're kind of almost overseas labourers. 785 00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:22,440 So again, as long as Brexit doesn't go through, you're gonna be fine as well. 786 00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:25,200 Erm, energy costs. 787 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:26,880 Staff costs. 788 00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:28,160 Ingredients costs. 789 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:30,680 Building maintenance costs. 790 00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:33,440 Insurance costs. Accountancy costs. 791 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,160 Er, lawn-keeping costs. 792 00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:38,800 Re-thatching costs in my case. 793 00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:40,280 Re-gravelling costs. 794 00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:42,720 Mending-the-car-park costs. 795 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:46,000 Hiring-the-staff costs, if I haven't said that already... 796 00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:49,680 The next day, 797 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:53,800 after this avalanche of naysaying about pub ownership, 798 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,120 I made a big decision. 799 00:39:58,080 --> 00:39:59,560 You know what this flower is? 800 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:02,600 It's mine. 801 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:04,920 This tree? 802 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:07,040 Mine. 803 00:40:09,240 --> 00:40:10,240 That plant pot? 804 00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:12,080 Mine. 805 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:13,520 That pub? 806 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:16,840 It's mine! 807 00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:20,000 These are the keys! 808 00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:23,600 I bought it! 809 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:30,800 The reason I was so happy is that now I had the pub, 810 00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:36,040 I could put the farmers' cooperative back together. 811 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,800 And this time it would be bigger and better. 812 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:49,160 Instead of buying what we need to operate the pub 813 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,600 from butchers and wine merchants 814 00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:53,520 and wholesalers, 815 00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:55,600 we buy everything from the field 816 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,360 to benefit the farmer rather than the wholesalers. 817 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:00,680 That will be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 818 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:01,680 British-grown stuff. 819 00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,360 We could import everything from the four corners of the planet 820 00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:05,760 but we're not gonna do that. 821 00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:07,797 We're not having coffee and we're not having Coca Cola. 822 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,960 If it's not grown and reared in Britain, we're not selling it. 823 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:14,880 If we get into a system of like, for example you supply January, Feb... 824 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:16,440 You supply, you know, May. 825 00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:17,840 -Do you see what I mean? -Yeah. 826 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:19,920 -So you do the lorry and the asparagus. -Yeah. 827 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,517 -You do the sheeps and the turkeys. -The turkeys, yeah. 828 00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:23,720 Cream, milk. 829 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:25,680 -Yeah. -Pigs. 830 00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:28,760 -You can do beef and lambs, can't you? -Yeah. 831 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:31,357 Potatoes, soft fruit, strawberries, raspberries, redcurrants, blackcurrants, 832 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:34,040 blackberries, asparagus, artichokes. 833 00:41:34,240 --> 00:41:35,917 -Rhubarb? Do you do rhubarb? -We do a bit of rhubarb. 834 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:38,280 Beef, lamb, geese, turkeys. 835 00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:39,560 What about tomatoes? 836 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:40,560 We do tomatoes, yeah. 837 00:41:40,720 --> 00:41:41,960 -You do tomatoes? -Yeah. 838 00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:43,917 -Did I do your bailing last year? -You did, yeah. 839 00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,557 Yeah. I haven't been paid for that yet. 840 00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:46,960 -Haven't you? -No. 841 00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:51,000 Well, I think this is looking good. 842 00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:52,920 Finally, we can actually put this together. 843 00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:54,240 We've actually got somewhere. 844 00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:56,440 Yes!